Sunday, 11 November 2012

HERE'S OUR GRAHAM WITH A QUICK RECAP...


I did it. I dated. It was blind. It was… okay… And by okay what I really mean is that it wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. Seth Cohen from the O.C (Naturally my ideal man) did not turn up with a witty quip and woo me out of my specially picked knickers and into his lovingly self-deprecating arms.
Instead, my knickers remained solidly on (just to clarify for my Mother, they will always remain solidly on for a first date… unless it is Seth Cohen) and my arms and legs rested in a casual, yet firmly crossed position for the most part of the evening.

For the sake of dignity and respect we will name my date Nigel, (I used to have a much loved cat called Nigel, he liked spending time in the washing machine, he’s dead now*) and our venue was a Camden bar and then onto the cinema to watch SkyFall. Good, standard, solid, first date. But boy did I wish it wasn’t a date.
Nigel was lovely, charming and funny (by NO means Seth Cohen funny, but then who is?!) the only problem was, I didn’t fancy him. Sort of a major problem really, like if Romney had won. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for letting a love naturally blossom and grow with time but you have to have that first sparkle in your gine (yes I said gine) otherwise it’s just forcing something that is most definitely not there. Like trying to make a Tellytubby recite Shakespeare or the Queen rap; although, I've heard Q-Lizzle can really spit.
We did have nice chats… nice… worst word ever… and then luckily I could sit and ogle Daniel Craig for the remainder of the date. WHY WASN’T DANIEL CRAIG MY BLIND DATE?!? 
I was happily settled into the film, (with my arms and legs crossed- BIG SIGNALS OF JUST FRIENDSHIP PLEASE THANK YOU) when a Bond girl appeared on screen, naked in the shower. Cut to Daniel Craig entering the room, spotting the naked lady, automatically stripping off (as one does) and joining her in the shower.

At this point Nigel leans across and whispers in my ear, “Bold Move”… I smile and nod. I have a feeling in my bones that Nigel is thinking of making a bold move of his own so I instantly and furiously search the floor for my coat to put on as a distraction. How a duffle coat equates a distraction I do not know but it did the trick. Like Saville's shellsuits. 
The problem with blind dates is that they are set up with the expectation and premise of a “date”- hence the name I know...The bummer comes when the match-up is not dateable, for you or the datee. Nigel could have found me repellent for all I know! (I did remember to wear deodorant… didn’t I? DIDN’T I?!)
 Maybe they should be re-labelled as blind friendship dates, Blind Buddies or Guess Who?! A sort of playful adventure with no awkward anticipation; there would be no pressure for hanky-panky and one can just see where it naturally progresses. Start low and no one is disappointed!

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for dating and having a wee snog from time to time, but I am definitely taking the blind element out of it from now on. Fully visual, fully knowledgeable, fully snoggable dates. Thank you. Nigel was lovely and attractive but just not for me. 
Cue awkward goodbye scene:

Nigel: So shall we go and get another drink somewhere?
Me: Phhh it’s 11 o’clock and I’ve got to be up at six so… I should probably hit the hay. (Lies)
Nigel: Ahhh yeah me too. (Also maybe lies)
Me: Cool… So, it was nice meeting you.
(Nigel suddenly holds onto my waist and looks me deep in the eyes)
Me: Mate, really nice meeting you.
(I go in for a hug and slap him on the back)
Nigel: So… can I see you again?
(My tube is currently arriving on the platform…)
Me: (Awkward pause) Yep. Big time. (Another back slap) Bye!
(Make a dash for it, hop on the tube and with a massive FRIENDLY wave I’m gone, off into the night and back to bed. By myself. WHERE IS SETH COHEN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!?)
I then later sent him a nice- THAT BLOODY WORD AGAIN – text saying it was nice – I’M BORING MYSELF – to meet up and that I’d love to be mates if he fancied it. He responded in the affirmative.

Whether we will be or not is another matter entirely, but the future's bright, the future’s Orange. (Orange County, The O.C… How many inadvertent references can I make about Seth Cohen until he notices me… HOW MANY?! Loads. Seth. Loads.**)
*Just to ease the readers mind, Nigel the Cat only spent time in the washing machine when it was turned off and he died as a result of a car. The two are mutually exclusive facts.
** I am fully aware Seth Cohen is a character in a television sitcom. I am similarly aware that if we ever did meet he would instantly fall head over heels in love with me. He just doesn’t know it yet.

2 comments:

  1. That awkward goodbye moment- is there EVER an easy way out??!?!!! Loving the backslap idea, I usually go in for an awkward business-ey handshake. I'll try the former from now on. (as you can see, I'm already so full of positivity for any future dates!)

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  2. Back slap all the way O'Shea! xx

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