Monday, 4 May 2015

Beach Body Ready... Or not

The big question on everyone's lips at the moment is this: is this woman beach body ready? Well, first and foremost, let’s leave the body part until later and tackle the real issue here: is she beach ready? And the answer is plain and simple: absolutely not. 

I see no sign of the all-important bucket and spade, no streaky sun cream and seriously does she think that flimsy yellow bikini will hold out against a wave off the coast of Weston Super Mare? Oh no my friend. We’ve all been there and, in the words of Alan Partridge, she will need to put ‘the boys back in the barracks’.  Or rather ‘the girls’, as the case may be.

What kind of self-respecting company would put such a highly unprepared vulnerable woman at the fore-front of its advertising campaign? This poor girl doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for. She hasn’t got a beach bag to carry the essentials in, (Factor 50 if, like me, you are so white that moths are attracted to you), no sign of any flip flops (I mean for crying out loud, how on EARTH, is she meant to go rock pooling without footwear?!), and no HAT. I mean, come on. A burnt scalp isn’t good at the best of times but next to that garish yellow dental floss of a swimsuit? HELLO, CLASHAGE!

No towel either! How could I forget the towel?! She's going to have to do what any self-respecting woman does when the loos at work run out of paper. Shake dry.

Now, onto the body... Protein World, I would have you know that she most certainly is NOT beach body ready. For one, she needs some embarrassing stray hairs on either her legs/pits/vadge. Two, she needs at least 5 dimples of cellulite. And three, she needs one, if not more, strategically placed bogies hanging out of her nose (from the waves not a cold, although who am I to dictate her state of health and without that towel the risk of her catching a chill is HIGHLY increased).

People of the world, we need to find this woman and warn her NOT to go to the beach. She simply is NOT ready yet. Let’s type her up a beach inventory, get her a sandy sandwich but most important of all, give her a hug because we need to turn that frown upside down.

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